Can you find me? Here are fifty facts about me which might help!

So that you can learn more about me, here is a list of fifty
facts about me. Every one of them is true and they will help smart readers to reveal my identity.

1. I am fifty-six million, four hundred and twenty-two thousand, three hundred and eighth in line to the throne of Great Britain.
2. For six months I lived on a disused oil rig in the North Sea.
3. I once attempted to climb Mount Everest but chickened out at base camp three because it was too cold.
4. Unlike most British men, I maintain a small harem.
5. I was once chased out of a mountain village in the Hindu Kush by two men wielding scimitars.
6. I have a part share in a small cafe in Casablanca.
7. On a recent visit to a central African republic I inadvertantly started a small war.
8. I once scored 508 runs for England against Australia in Adelaide. Despite my heroic performance we still lost the Ashes.
9. For a time I worked as a spy on behalf of the British government. My role was to obtain state secrets from highly placed women by seducing them. After three failed attempts, and much hilarity amongst female members of the Russian government, I was replaced.
10. I am an expert at pattern welding.
11. Just before the recent war with Iraq I invested a substantial amount of money in a coffee distributor based in Baghdad. I later discovered that the business was a front for Uday Hussein and the CIA now want to 'speak' with me.
12. I own a struggling tea plantation in northern India.
13. A plane that I was travelling on crashed in the remote Sierras. When our food ran out, of all those who survived the initial crash, I was the only one to refuse to eat the flesh of the dead passengers. Everybody but me subsequently died of food poisoning.
14. I have no memory of what happened during my 22nd year of life. Careful research has revealed that this is because I did absolutely nothing of interest during this time.
15. I trained as an assassin but didn't really take to it.
16. When I was a child I ran away to join the circus but the clowns terrified me so, chastened, I returned home.
17. I am distantly related to the man who wielded the axe that cut off King Charles I's head.
18. Everywhere I go, songbirds throng towards me and I am forever surrounded by their music.
19. I recovered the Holy Grail from its last resting place. Unfortunately, it appears that the Grail is not dishwasher proof.
20. I have the biggest feet of any person I know.
21. I can move objects with the power of mind. This power operates through the medium of my hands.
22. I once lost slightly over three thousand pounds in a card game. The man I owed money to said he would write off the debt if I would 'service' his wife for him. After careful consideration I paid the money.
23. I have climbed the Olympus Mons on Mars.
24. I have never once won on a fruit machine.
25. I often find myself misspelling the word 'bite' as 'byte'.
26. At least once a year I return to my yak farm on the desolate Mongolian steppe. The manager of my farm is a refugee Tibetan nun called Yana Tak-Soi who makes the best buttered scones you've ever tasted.
27. For unknown reasons, North American women find themselves irresistably attracted to me. This can be a nuisance at times.
28. I have never knowingly told a lie.
29. I lost my virginity on the top floor of a bus travelling between Grimston and Duggleby in East Yorkshire. This proved to be the first and only time I've been arrested.
30. The asteroid AX109-C12 is named after me.
31. Some months ago I stole the Mona Lisa and replaced it with a reproduction print purchased from fsbfirebreaks. So far, my crime has gone undetected.
32. I was a traveller on a small Senegalese ocean ferry when it capsized. Washed overboard I drifted, barely conscious, in the cold atlantic ocean for several hours before being picked up by a passing Venezuelan trawler. Upon the trawler I was forced to work to buy my freedom and could not escape until the ship docked in Talinn in Estonia, where I managed to dive overboard and swim to shore. On my journey back to England I was mistaken by the German authorities for an asylum seeker and deported on three separate occasions before I chanced upon a lonely Fr”ulein who agreed to smuggle me into England in exchange for certain sexual favours.
33. I am the seventy-eighth man to reach the magnetic South Pole.
34. I was invalided out of the European space program on account of my poor eyesite. I had successfully fooled the doctor at my intial medical through some inspired guesswork. But I was discovered when I accidentally pressed the wrong button and initiated separation of the booster rockets from an Ariane 4 whilst it was still on its launch pad.
35. Due to a subtle flaw in my genetic makeup my lungs actually depend upon the nitrogen that is in the atmosphere, rather than the oxygen. I have to carry a tag around my neck to inform doctors of this because if they were to administer oxygen to me they could kill me.
36. I once wrestled with a crocodile for four hours.
37. The funniest joke I ever heard was told to me by an elderly Turkish woman on the banks of the Bosporus. Unfortunately I can't remember the punch line.
38. I have been unable to drink whisky since an unfortunate incident (involving myself, a bottle of Glenfiddich and the New Zealand swimming team) that took place during the last commonwealth games.
39. I once courted Lauren Bacall, but she spurned me.
40. I had a walk on part in polish director Krzysztof Kieslowski's 'A Short Film About Love' (I was one of the other customers in the post office).
41. For three years I successfully masqueraded as a nuclear physicist and worked extensively on Iraq's secret nuclear weapons program.
42. In the Red Dragon, in Hastings, I played shove ha'penny against Kim Jong-il, president of North Korea, during his recent visit to Britain. I lost.
43. I managed to get a job with the British Antarctic Survey by pretending to be a structural engineer. When I got to the antarctic they soon spotted that I knew nothing of engineering, so I spent three weeks making snowmen while they waited for a ship to arrive to send me back to Britain.
44. Every few months I sail a small boat across the North Sea to the Netherlands where I conduct a torrid and passionate affair with a beautiful Flemish widow.
45. Whilst living in the Crimea I pretended to be a close friend of David Beckham and dined out amongst the cream of Sevastapol society on the strength of this claim.
46. I once lent thirty dollars to George W. Bush. He still hasn't paid it back.
47. I own a set of tea-cups carved out of a solid block of Kitledge Tapestry Granite.
48. For many years, my second cousin claimed to have invented the malteser. Upon his death a search of his papers revealed that his 'malteser' was actually a chocolate coated honeycomb ball the size of a cricket ball (the honeycomb centre was made with an actual honeycomb from a beehive). The sweet was roundly rejected by all the major chocolate manufacturers. The actual invention of the malteser predated his attempts and there are dark whisperings of plagiarism on the part of my relative. Consequently, every year, a penitential pilgrimage is made to the Mars factory in Slough by the surviving children of that branch of the family.
49. I once went out with a girl who claimed to be a direct descendent of Vlad the Impaler. This was a matter of some pride to her.
50. I keep fourteen teabags, a spare set of guitar strings and a tin of baked beans in a wooden box at the back of my wardrobe. Just in case.